


Winter Morning

by 10outof10



Series: Four Seasons of Chan's Agony [2]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Counseling, Gen, Suicidal Thoughts, he's closest to my age so it feels comforting for him to be my character, i dont know why i still start shit that triggers me, i love dino pls dont hate me, mention of other members, oh well, psychiatrist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-12
Updated: 2016-09-12
Packaged: 2018-08-14 10:21:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8009905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/10outof10/pseuds/10outof10
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chan wakes up in winter, and death has finally made him a liar.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Winter Morning

**Author's Note:**

> I had an idea to make Four Seasons of Chan's agony randomly in class. I don't know when I'd finish this series but, let's just hope I don't kill myself before (this) Chan does to himself.

There was pounding in his head as soon as he opened his eyes, Chan felt hazy and it felt like a million gongs going off simultaneously and he was not enjoying it. The sharp blinding ray of the sun didn’t help it either.

“Fuck.”

Chan slowly got up, scanning his surroundings. The cloud filled sky, the same old concrete, the same old empty bottles, the familiar filters of cigarette, and the oddly comforting emptiness.

The atmosphere is colder than last night, the breeze felt like ice against his flushed cheeks. It’s dry. Everything is dry, the air, his skin, his eyes, his lips, his insides. Everything.

  
_Bzz. Bzz._

  
His head turned to his phone, a blank expression still painted on his face.

 

_562 missed calls._   
_985 unread messages.  
5037 kakao notification_

_and still counting…_

 

Chan’s dead gaze fixated on his phone, watching the numbers multiply before his very eyes. He can’t do anything, it was as if he turned into stone, lifeless and still.

 

_‘Is this death?’_

 

He definitely died.

 

He killed himself.

 

The alcohol and death sticks burned his insides, and now everything has come to a stop. Euphoria no longer hugged him like it did last night before he broke down. Maybe that was its way of saying goodbye.

 

  
_Jihoon hyung calling…_

 

Again. That call was transferred to voicemail, Chan nearly cringed as he heard his bright self from the answering machine. He swore he’ll change it as soon as he can.

“ _Yah Lee Chan. I swear to fucking god, if you’re not home in thirty fucking minutes we’re gonna report you missing! Where the fuck are you?! Damn it! I will kick your ass once you get bac-_ “

  
Chan pressed the red button to turn down the call. He just sat there, cold and alone. He hugged his legs to his chest, placing his head in between his knees. His fingers wrapped tightly around his phone, scrolling through the messages he hasn’t opened. The screen faded to black before it lit up once more.

Another call.

 

  
_Hoshi hyung calling…_

 

He froze for a moment, contemplating. A call from Soonyoung is very different from the calls he gets from the others. This older member of his would always understand him despite being in the wrong 98% of the time. He has always been the older brother that he’s never had, it’s not like the others weren’t, but Soonyoung is just different from them.

Chan knew that he’d would be far away from the members, and that gave him comfort somehow. It took almost a minute before he decided to take the call, putting it on loud speaker but stayed quiet. Letting the other do the talking.

“ _Chan?... You hear me right? Please talk, let me know this is you and not some kind of stranger that kidnapped you or something._ ”

 

 _Silence_.

 

“ _Please Chan, just a small ‘yes’ would do._ ”

 

“It’s me”

 

There was a sigh of relief, followed by a small thud, a fist to a hard surface. Soonyoung is upset, and Chan knows all of them are worried, but why doesn’t he feel anything? It’s as if he’s gone numb, wait, he is numb. Not a single emotion dared to touch his body, have they abandoned him too just as he’s abandoned himself?

He never knew how it was possible, but he loved it. He loved how he couldn’t feel anything. He loved how he felt no remorse over his forbidden escapade. He loved the coldness of winter that somehow affected his judgement. But he still hated himself.

 

“ _Chan, please come home._ ” The older male’s soft voice somehow lifted a few boulders from his chest. There was a sudden rush of guilt, and out of all the emotions he had to feel right now, he had to feel that. Bloody hell. “ _Do you want hyung to pick you up? Where are you?_ ”

 

“I’m sorry hyung…” With that Soonyoung knew where he could find Chan. The rooftop of the residences just beside their dormitory. It had been where he ran away too when he was about the younger one’s age. It wasn’t like Chan would go anywhere far.

 

 

\--

 

 

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

  
Chan didn’t wanna go, but Jeonghan was all up in his space, nagging about how he needed counseling and someone professional to talk to. He had to admit, the older one is right, the other members did not help his condition. Jisoo’s bible verses was hard to comprehend. The cooking “therapy” that Mingyu and Minghao suggested only ended up with Chan sitting through an argument over seasonings. And the others purely didn’t know what to say, or chose not to say anything. Though he also knew that counseling wouldn’t do anything for him.

 

The youngest one found himself sitting upright on a rather soft couch, his hands on his knees, and his eyes following an old woman who’s fixing something on her desk. A flood of swear words pooled in his head, he hated everything right now. His eyes going back and forth the door, he just wants to go home and sleep this through.

 

“How’s your day.. uh… Chan?” She scanned his profile that was filled up an hour ago at the receptionist. She took a seat across him, her lips curled up in a fake smile, wrinkles forming on her face just as it was on her hands as she gripped the pen to write on her lap.

 

“Good.” She started to write, he couldn’t help but watch as she scribbled carelessly on the piece of paper, noting down every single move and response he does. He hated it. He hated being evaluated. He hated being watched. Stop it.

 

“So let’s talk about how you’re feeling.”

 

_'No.'_

 

“Can you tell me what’s going on in your head right now?”

 

Chan swallowed and turned his head away, shrugging his shoulder as his hands balled up in a fist once more, gripping tightly on the loose ends of his gray knitted sweater. He could hear the pen glide on the paper once more. She’s watching closely, and all he wanted to do now is to take that pen and stab himself with it.

 

“It would feel better to talk about it.”

 

“I’m mad at myself.” There. He said it. But he didn’t feel better whatsoever.

 

“Why?”

 

_'Stop asking god dammit!'_

 

“Why are you mad at yourself?”

 

“Because…” Tears started to form in his eyes, why was he crying? He didn’t understand it either.

  
“Because..?”

 

And with that their conversation started. Wounds that he didn’t want to open starts to reopen. Pasts he didn’t want to bring up all starts to resurface. And all he wanted to do during the course of their talk is to gouge his eyeballs out and bang his head on the wall. He hated talking about his feelings just as much as his anger towards himself and everything around him.

 

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

 

' _Fucking let me go already_.'

 

Silence.

 

"What are you thinking of right now?" her red lips a thin line, playing around a smile and a frown, a feigned empathy glinting from her brown orbs in between clumped mascaras and three layers of eyeliner. Disgusting.

 

Another silence.

 

' _How much i want to take a knife and stab myself multiple times._ '

 

"I feel better now."

  
_' **lies.** '_

 

"It feels so good to talk openly about this."

  
_' **l i e s.** '_

 

"I'll come again."

  
_' **Shut up liar.** '_

 

She nodded with a relieved smile. "Okay good. I'll see you again next week?"

 

They never met again.

 

And Chan refuses to go back.

 


End file.
